.....?

Ok.... so this is kind of a serious post.... so if you don't feel like reading about something EXTREMELY personal in my life and my thoughts about it, I warn you to stop reading now :) Go ahead, I won't mind (or even know for that matter).

I have been thinking A LOT lately about my situation in regards to my family and I decided something. Not having a father really sucks. Honestly, it is something that no child, daughters especially, should have to go through. My father used to be my world. He left me, my sister and my mother when I was very young so I honestly don't remember it. The only thing I knew was that dad wasn't coming home anymore and that my mother cried a lot. But don't get me wrong, he remained very much in the lives of me and my sister. We spent every weekend, break, holiday and summer that we could with him. He moved a lot so we experienced new houses, neighborhoods and even states. He was a very attractive man (yes, I am saying that about my father and if you think it's creepy, that's your problem) so naturally he had many girlfriends after my mother, which my sister and I both experienced as well. New women, new kids but luckily none of them lasted that long. Until he met my stepmother, Brenda. They got married and I inherited a stepmother and along with that I got four new step siblings. Life was good for awhile. My sister and I got along well with Brenda's kids, my stepbrother Carson and I were best friends, I adore that kid to this day even. But eventually, over time, my father decided that he wasn't going to take care of himself the way that he should. He became diabetic which made the "not taking care of himself" thing even worse. He has been hospitalized MULTIPLE times for drug overdose, he can't hold down a job for more than a few weeks and I honestly don't even know where he is living right now. The last time I saw my father was Father's Day two years ago when my sister and I bought him dinner and went to visit him in the broken, beaten down house he was living in full of crack heads and drug addicts. I have been at war with myself for quite a few months now trying to figure out how I feel about him and this situation. I cry on a nightly basis because my head tells me to get over him and accept that he isn't in my life anymore but my heart strings tug at me and tell me that I should love and forgive him because after all, he is my dad. It's true, I have talked about adoption with my stepfather because let's me honest, he is the dad that I never had. I want to be adopted by him but I just can't bring myself to actually do it because I want to believe that my father is trying as hard as he says he is, even if I know I am going to end up broken hearted in the end like all other times before.

But in a way, this has made me absolutely 100% sure about something. Honestly, I have NEVER been more sure of something in my life! If there is one thing in this world that I will kill myself trying to do it would be this: To find that one man out there in the world somewhere who will love my children the way my sister and I have deserved to be loved all these years. If he can't marry me in the temple so he can be the father to my children for eternity, he is not the one for me. I will go to every corner of this Earth, sort through thousands of men if I have to, to find the one who will love my children unconditionally and uncomprehendingly. Because I refuse to let my children go through what I have gone through. Bouncing back and forth from parent to parent, families arguing about who gets what kid for what Holiday is definitely not as fun as it sounds. It straight up sucks. No child should have to feel like one of their parents doesn't love them or doesn't want to be with them ever again because it can rip a child up inside.

And since all of this has happened with my father, my stepmother left him and is now dating a new man. My best friend in the whole world, my stepbrother Carson, dropped all contact with me... No facebook, won't answer my calls, no texts... It seriously kills me. My stepmother won't even give me an explanation as to why she won't have any contact with me or my sister. My stepsister Lacy is the only one that will talk to us and it's not even to me, it's to my sister. I have a newborn niece that I have yet to meet. I wasn't invited to my step mom's college graduation. And it's still a mystery as to why. I honestly do not understand how "FAMILY" can drop a FAMILY MEMBER just like that... like you never even existed.

Me and my father, back when life was good. Here's hoping that maybe someday it will go back to this!

Well I am exhausted and my eyes seem to be leaking or something ;) So I am off to bed... Until Next time :)