Addiction

First and foremost, this is my disclaimer. This is another one of those incredibly personal posts that if you don't care to read, I suggest you just close out of my blog right now :) Don't want you to waste your time! Some may ask why I post something that is as personal as this. My response to that would be, how is a person supposed to get help if no one knows they're in trouble....??

If you Google the word 'addiction', the first thing that comes up on the list of hits is the definition, which states 'the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity' But if you look further down, after the definition, the list of synonyms is 'dependency, dependence, habit, problem'. This blog post is about the habit and problem part of an addiction.

For many, many months, I have been struggling with an addiction in my life. Something that has become a habit and something that has become problematic to the way that I function, the way that I think, and the things that I say. At one point in the struggle, it interfered with my ability to hold a temple recommend and my ability to attend the temple. I justified my addiction by thinking, "At least I'm not committing that sin!" or "It could be worse!" and "It doesn't happen that often." I was lying so much to myself and everyone around me about my problem, that I was blind to how severe it actually had gotten. Eventually, I sought after y bishop's help and he helped me repent and get back on the right path. That seemed to work out great.... for a few months. Not too long after, I was back to my old ways.

It took the death of a family member and best friend for me to understand in full, the error of my ways. After hearing everything that was said about Landon and his own personal search for the Gospel and for Christ in his life, I realized how much that boy was in my life when I needed his example the most. I would get random texts or Facebook chat messages from him on the days that I was struggling the most. He told me over and over again how much he believed in me, how I was his hero and how much he loved and missed me, even though he knew nothing of my addiction. He was there, trying to help me the entire time I was struggling, and I couldn't see it past my own selfish sins.

Ever since Landon's passing, I vowed that I would stop indulging in my addictive habits and live my life the way I needed to in order to get my temple recommend back. I am slowly but surely working on my own personal repentance process and I am currently THIRTY FIVE DAYS ADDICTION FREE!!! I owe this and so much more to my Heavenly Father for placing Landon and I in the same family years and years ago! He knew that we would need each other one day for different reasons and that we'd be there to help each other along the way, regardless of how short our journey was together.

I miss that boy more than words can explain. A pain rips through my heart every time I hear or say his name. The tears still fall from time to time. But I will be eternally grateful to him and his love for me. I cannot wait until our Heavenly reunion one day, it will be the best day yet!

Until Next Time, " I cried when you passed away, I still cry today.
                            Although I loved you dearly, I couldn't make you stay.
                            A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest.
                 God broke my heart to prove to me that he only takes the best."